hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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