i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
