My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
