I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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