I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
