Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
