I'm gonna have a badass scar
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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