Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
