Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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