Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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