I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize
