Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
