I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
