I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
did i just pee glitter
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