My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
