you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
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Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
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did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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