I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
