Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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