I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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