Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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