WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
