So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
