Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
