ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I want to make a zoo with you.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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