everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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