At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize