Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
jump out the window naked night went bad
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