btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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