I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
The best revenge is premature balding
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
