i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
