Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
