I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
