I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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