Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
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I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
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He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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