Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
