I just threw up on my dentist
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
