What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
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I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
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I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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