Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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