your room smells of hookers.
And success
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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