He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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