New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Your cock deserves a montage
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
