she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
3 2 1 whiskey
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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