Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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