I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
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