life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You're completely useless in the revolution.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
