went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
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tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
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On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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