i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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