I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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