It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
