Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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