so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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