he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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