I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
