I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
