so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Randomize
