chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I am midnight drunk by noon
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
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