so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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