my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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