I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Randomize
