I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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