Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
