Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
