peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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