Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
