my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
